Jose Antonio Escobar Diego Bautista Rivera Pedro Martinez Gonzalez Julian Roberto Medina who later shortened his name to Kid Cuba was born on the Sixth Day of Chaos, in the Year of the Lord 3227. He was born of virgin birth, to his loving parents: God and Inoue Orihime.
His early years were spent in a two-story brownstone with his mother, Inoue Orihime, in the borough of Elephant & Castle in London, England. He spent his evenings as a teenager in his basement bedroom summoning demons and worshiping Superman. When he was old enough to be allowed outside, he began work as a character in his mother's graphic novels until he was old enough to write his own. On July 5th, 1998, while on an acid trip to Liberia, where he expected to meet an infinite number of Yetis (but instead grew numerous hermaphrodite siblings), he was assaulted by M.I.A. She was arrested in the United Arab Emirates five days later for resembling a 60-year long millipede from the planet Serious & Seriousicle.
One year later, Kid Cuba sat down to create his magnum operandai: An epic space saga about a terrifying monster composed of the mummified remains of Milton Bradley and Doctor Frankenstein. He named the monster Professor Nuremberg Copernicus Titanium-Alloy. The character of Dr. Alloy patrolled downtown liquor stores in an enormous space-ship the size of an entire galaxy. Alloy would frequently beat up old ladies, eat mini corn-dogs, and solve crossword puzzles, as well as ponder the deeper meaning of reality as it related to plot devices. During a proof-reading of his story, he had the misfortune of catching lysdexia from a diseased marmot. Unaware of his infliction, he decided to take the story seriously, and changed his name to Morbidly Obeese F.A.T. When that didn't work out, he changed his name to Kid Cuba, refelcting his proud Lithuanian heritage.
In 2002, he had declared war on fellow poster Eckored, which still rages on to this day. They send each other death threats, road kill, babies and pictures of Jimmy Fallon. Eckored took it one step further and said he was uninvited to her birthday party. This deeply saddened Kid Cuba, as he loves every opportunity to act like a 7 year old. But after adopting more stray cats and more drug overdoses, he picked up the pace of death threats.
He got his big break as an entertainer when he was cast as an off screen screaming mental patient in the movie "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest". After witnessing his performance, Anton LaVey (his Super Triple Secret Uncle in Law) invited him to the Vatican, where he participated in the filming of a pornographic film entitled "Toy Story XXX: To the Final Frontier...and Beyond". There are no accounts of what happened on the set of the film, but many conspiracy theorists have concluded that the content of the screenplay induced a psychotic episode within him when he then proceeded to paint giant grinning Big Macs over the murals of the Sistine Chapel before grinding the foundations of the Vatican to dust with a pair of electronic toenail clippers. The Vatican eventually got better though.
He was found guilty of belligerent behavior towards toenail clippers, and sentenced to 14 years as an employee of a Subway restaurant. He contested his sentence for 2 years, but his requests for a retrial were refused on the grounds that his lawyer was imaginary. Upon realizing that there were no guards at Subway, he promptly escaped and flew to St. Petersberg, Florida using wings he had fabricated from turkey, ham, pickles, lettuce and chipotle sauce that he had spent many years secretly collecting.
Upon his arrival, he was greeted with cheers and applause from a crazy homeless lady who thought he was Patrick Stewart. After a brief, but torrid, sexual affair with his welcoming party, he started a band named after himself, plotted global domination and spent the majority of his time posting on some shitty boxing forum filled with morbidly obeese posters. On December 21st, 2012, he recognized his greatest accomplishment, the invention of a time machine.